Lockdown

There’s only one photo in this post and it’s me pretending to take my temperature after I returned from my PIPS project with a cough and a tight chest (I was fine!).

Having seen endless Tweets, texts, TikToks and Instagram posts about people being on the struggle bus with this whole situation I almost feel a bit guilty that I’m here in my cosy little flat pretty much living my best life. It’s kind of left me with a weird feeling. I don’t really know what to say to people, I don’t really know what to post. I think it’s super important that everyone can voice their difficulties and share negative experiences but, in this situation, I’m hesitant to do the opposite and say anything positive or share opposing struggles. It just feels awkward, making this post incredibly hard to write. I have literally no idea how to pitch the tone and as it all feels a bit sensitive, so I’m just going to make a couple of things clear before I start…

I’m obviously just talking about my personal experience of being locked down in my flat, I’m thinking about the whole pandemic part of it as a separate issue entirely. Obviously, lives are being lost, essential workers are having to put themselves at risk every day and lots of people are living in housing situations that are far from ideal. I’m not going to touch on that.

Also I’ll try and keep the ‘gratitude vibe’ to an absolute minimum (that’s sickening at the best of times) and I certainly won’t be talking about how you should make the most of this opportunity and come out of it smarter, fitter and with a new skill. I certainly doubt I’ll be any of those things by the end of it!

Finally, I’m definitely not, in any way, meaning to invalidate the feelings of people who are having a really difficult time…it’s just that I haven’t heard much from people who aren’t!

To be fair, I am a natural hermit! But I also feel like I’ve been training for lockdown my whole life…in good ways and bad!

I’m an only child from a small family. I’ve lived alone in my car and a tent in rural North Yorkshire for a few months, I ran away to the outback with two other people for a while and then travelled around Vanuatu alone, I’ve lived and worked on a couple of British islands that would be considered ‘remote’ to many, and internet and mobile signal was shoddy in all of these situations! That was the fun part, albeit occasionally a little bit lonely.

In between pitching my tent on the moors and ‘finding myself’ ‘in the bush’ came the not so fun part! I joined the Merchant Navy. Which, is admittedly, an odd jump and one of the poorer life choices I’ve made! During the sea phase of my training we did four weeks on ship and four weeks off. I don’t think I’ve ever hated something so much in my life. I was an outsider in a way that went way beyond me being the only woman on ship and I found it brutally, relentlessly boring. Once I’d finished doing everything I’d brought onboard with me I slept as much as I could so I was awake for the experience as little as possible. I couldn’t use the internet (it was broken) and there was no mobile signal. I could phone my parents from the ship’s bridge but everyone would listen in, so my parents asked me yes/no questions. It honestly broke me. I’d involuntarily start sobbing, I struggled to hold conversations because I had literally no idea what to say to people and I felt irrevocably lost. I didn’t think I’d ever feel that alone again.

Then, in my last year of undergrad, I got ME. I’ve written three other blogs which go into more detail about that, but I’m not sure I mentioned the loneliness. Fairly early on, when I was at my worst, I couldn’t see my friends, sometimes I’d get out of breath trying to talk to my parent’s, I wasn’t able to watch TV for long because processing the images was exhausting, I struggled to read, I was too nauseous to enjoy food and I lost my tolerance to alcohol (tragic!). I had no idea if I’d get better, there was no prognosis and no treatment. I had to try and come to terms with the idea that I might never stand on top of a mountain again or swim in the sea or run…anywhere. While I reclaimed by teenage bedroom lying in the dark and the quiet, everyone else was carrying on with their lives. I felt totally left behind. When I mercifully started to recover, I still had to meticulously ration my energy so I ‘missed out’ on a lot of things. When I went to do my masters, I still spent most of my time in bed recovering between lectures and social interactions. I was isolated a lot, because ultimately, I knew that was how I might get better and luckily, gradually, I did. Knowing that it was the right thing to do didn’t make it easier. Something as simple as waiting for a friend to reply to a message felt like an eternity and I was constantly checking my phone. I have never felt so achingly lonely. Merchant Navy Amy had no idea what was coming!

So, those two things were pretty shaping and maybe I wouldn’t have found lockdown as easy if I hadn’t experienced them. We’ll never know.

Anyhow, in comparison, this feels like a cakewalk. I’m able to easily access the internet, I can smash through a Netflix season in a day, I have all my crafts around me and I have the energy to do them, I can drink again, I can enjoy my food and I don’t have to take a nap after phoning my parents. Plus, everyone is in this situation, so I’m not alone and I’m not ‘left behind’.

I’m actually pretty grateful to be able to slow down and take a bit of a break. I’ve finally got back into yoga again, I’m finishing craft projects that have lain around half done for years, I’ve read…fiction, I’ve even downloaded some PC games and commandeered my boyfriends Nintendo Switch so I can play animal crossing! I’m totally unashamedly addicted, if anyone fancies giving me some fruit other than peaches then hit me up. Of course I’m looking forward to when I can get out of the city and into somewhere wild, but the outdoors still exists, and it’ll still exist when this is over. Whilst I can’t do the outside things I enjoy, I’m indulging in all the inside things I like instead.

It’s also given me a chance to think. I went to university because I wanted to be an academic, my goal was always a PhD. But the more I see of academia the less I want to be involved. So, after about 5 years I’m suddenly having to reassess what I like, what options are out there and what I might like to do after I’ve finished. I’ve got plenty of time, but it’s nice to have space to process things and play around with some ideas. I think that’s been weighing on me more heavily than I realised.

So, of course I’m not walking around in unencumbered bliss!

For a start, I’m worried about how I’ll adapt when lockdown finishes. I’m an introvert that’s normally pretty good at pretending not to be. I find social interaction ‘a lot’ and I don’t think I’ll be running to the nearest crowded pub as soon as we’re allowed to, I have a feeling I’ll be creeping out of my cave tentatively. I’ve also gotten used to this slower pace of life and I got used to not seeing people very quickly. I already find myself hoping for a lockdown extension and feeling a bit anxious when people talk about going back to work and when that will be. I’m not ready to put down my crochet! These weeks are going very quickly to me.

Another minor struggle is dealing with the pressure to ‘connect’…although I am starting to get over that a bit now.

Mostly, I hate Microsoft Teams. I’m at home, in my sanctuary. I’m hermiting. It feels like an intrusion. People who I’d never normally have in my house are suddenly, in my house. There was a moment in the beginning where I though it was something I should throw myself into so I’d just get over my Teams anxiety…but that quickly turned into complete avoidance. I started to wonder why I’d put myself under undue stress to hang out with people online that I don’t hang out with in real life. Plus, it’s awkward. When I’m in the pub with a group of friends and suddenly all the individual little conversations come to a natural end and it’s just me talking and I have all the attention, I hate that. That’s what videocalls feel like to me.

We now have to have a weekly ‘informal’ lab meeting on Teams, I’m pretty sure it’s just because my supervisor is under pressure to get us to ‘connect’. It’s one of the low points of every week. In general, I stay as quiet as possible, turning off my microphone so I’m on screen as little as possible. I’m pretty sure none of us need it, no one has anything to say and it’s always dragged out over an hour.

You will not see a cheery Teams screenshot on Twitter from me!!

I totally understand that these group chats have been a complete lifeline for some people and that’s great. I guess I should just hold on to the thought that the lowlight of my week is another person’s highlight! I see some people are really making the most of this new type of interaction. But, like I mentioned at the beginning of this post, I haven’t heard from many people that are feeling like me and I know they exist. I guess the whole point of this blog post was as a self-indulgent processing point for me, so I could explore why I apparently feel differently to most folk and to say to the other people who feel the same way I do, “you’re not alone”…if you didn’t know that already!

Anyway, if you’ve made it this far, I wish you as happy a lockdown as you can manage. Take care and stay inside…obviously. (Although this post is going out later than I anticipate so if you’re in England you don’t need to stay inside anymore, or you do, or you don’t as long as you’re two metres from your mum in a park, but you should stay inside as much as possible, unless you can’t work from home, in which case cycle to work far away from everybody, or wear a diving suit on the tube or something…).

10 things that I’ve realised…during the first year of my PhD

Realised? Learned? Experienced? I wasn’t quite sure which word to go with but whichever way you look at it the following 10 things have made me grow as a student, and in general as a human being.

Imposter syndrome is a constant.

This probably needs no introduction, but, just in case; imposter syndrome describes feelings of inadequacy and self-doubt that aren’t relieved by external proof of your competence. It’s the feeling that you’re going to be ‘found out’ as being incompetent after winning an award or that someone’s made a mistake in letting you speak at a conference or attend a meeting. That somehow you’ve slipped through the net and you shouldn’t be amongst your peers doing a PhD!

Maybe there are some unique individuals out there that don’t experience any level of uncertainty in their abilities, academic or otherwise…but I’d say pretty much everyone I’ve spoken to has at some point felt like an imposter.

For me, what I’ve realised is that feeling like an imposter is actually pretty constant and I don’t think these feelings will ever go away. But, actually, that’s okay! I think firstly, it makes me more understanding of other people’s anxieties and secondly, I’m pretty used to it now so I can more or less acknowledge those thoughts and then work alongside them. What’s that cheesy saying’? ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’!?

In fact I had ‘impostery’ feelings writing this section because I found out imposter could, and is more commonly spelled impostor…which made me doubt ever writing anything at all!

Pulling some excellent facial expressions whilst presenting data I wasn’t so confident about at a conference in Valencia!

When you gather your data together it never looks like much.

I feel like I can work super hard, spend some long hours in the lab running experiments and then when the time comes for me to gather that data together to show my supervisor it looks like…*drumroll*…‘nothing’! Several weeks worth of work can sometimes culminate in a single graph. That graph doesn’t show the time spent fixing a problem with experimental design, waiting for a machine to be fixed, collecting difficult samples, the mandatory course you had to attend, the demonstrating you did, reading and planning in preparation for another project you’re working on…you get the idea! Sometimes, if the weight of doing or achieving ‘enough’ (whatever that means) is pressing down on me I write lists of the things I do each day. Each email I’ve sent, each paper I’ve read, each academic conversation/meeting I’ve had etc… It helps me to see that although I might not have achieved as much toward the completion of a particular project as I feel I ‘should’ have I can physically see the list of all the other shit I’ve had to do.

Paying too much attention to other people’s projects is dangerous.

In a nutshell I’ve realised it’s dangerous to compare my PhD project to others. In general, the vast majority of us have projects which are totally different. Some are really prescriptive with papers and chapters already pre-planned but others are totally blue sky and are led by what their experimental data suggests could be interesting next. Neither are wrong and both come with their own challenges.

Also, lots of people you pass in the corridor will give you something akin to the highlights reel. They’re writing a paper, they’re preparing for a conference, they’ve won an award or they’re finishing an experiment. Obviously, sometimes people will talk about a problem they’re having, especially if they think you might be able to help them solve it, but those moments rarely come when you’re feeling a bit fragile!

It’s easier said than done, but I try to focus on whether my supervisors and I are happy with where my project is at and where it’s going and put my blinkers on to most of the other stuff.

Humble bragging is a thing.

I think academia, and especially academic twitter is the first place I’ve truly experienced humble bragging and it is rife! Initially people saying things like ‘we’re already one month into the new year and I’ve only managed to write 2 papers, speak at a conference and win a Nobel prize’ would have me panicking that I wasn’t working hard enough or achieving as much as I should be. Now, when a postdoc tells me that they’re annoyed because a new PI keeps asking for their advice or a PhD students tells me they just don’t know how they’ll find the time to make the corrections to an otherwise accepted paper from their undergrad project I inwardly roll my eyes, smile, sympathise and carry on with my day.

It pays to be honest.

I think recognising moments when I need help has developed over time, and figuring out what kind of help I need and how to ask for it has come over even more time…and a little bit of practice! Although having said that, I still don’t find it easy.

Having developed M.E. about 3 years ago I consider being honest a matter of PhD survival! I can’t push through, I can’t overwork for a couple of months with the promise of a holiday at the end and I can’t continually say yes to things without it affecting my health. I’ve had to become more honest with my supervisor about when I need a day (or three) to work from home, when I need to postpone an experiment, when I need to scale back on my commitments and when I’m feeling stressed or overwhelmed so he can help me figure out how to fix that. Prolonged stress is definitely a relapse trigger for me and isn’t good for you anyway! You don’t need to have a chronic illness to be deserving of a helping hand and some advice when things are fraying at the edges!

Holiday is important. Take it.

…even if that means not going anywhere fancy, or anywhere at all!

In my first year I didn’t take my holiday. Idiot!

I have a spreadsheet with my research grant budget on it and also the amount of holiday days I have as a PhD student so I can keep track. I got into the messy habit of feeling if I didn’t work ‘hard enough’ one day I’d consider it a half day or I’d make up the time over the weekend or in the evening. If I’d I worked a day on the weekend I sometimes felt like that meant I could take a day off in the week, but I rarely enjoyed them because I felt guilty. So I stopped taking them. I also had the added complication that I shouldn’t take holiday in bee season or at least if I did I shouldn’t be away for long. If I did go on holiday for a couple of days I took work with me. I also know a couple of people who don’t take their holiday, almost as a matter of pride, and this for some reason made me feel awkward taking mine. All of this is just straight up unhealthy!

On top of this I had a couple of small M.E. relapses in my first year and I wonder if those could have been avoided or lessened if I’d have given myself proper time off. (Although ultimately your physical health should have nothing to do with holiday hours taken). In my second year I vow to take my full holiday…and not to pack any work!

Ironically taken during a conference which turned into a holiday!

It’s a good time to get out of my comfort zone.

This, in it’s very nature is obviously pretty uncomfortable, but I’ve found the first year of my PhD great for trying new things. I try to get in amongst the thick of it as much as my introvert personality will allow! I accept all the talks I get offered, I apply for conferences, I attend networking events and I try to engage in conversations with ‘strangers’ in a vague attempt to build connections but mostly to learn how to ‘do academic chat’. As I’m still early in my PhD career people aren’t really interested in collaborating with me yet, but they might be some day and when they are I’d like to be a little bit better at engaging with them. I feel like the PhD is the perfect time to make mistakes, I mean I’m still training and I’m still finding my feet so I’m allowed to give a bad talk or make a rubbish poster, right?…Right?!!!

EASTBIO; getting me out of my comfort zone as often as they can!

In many ways the PhD is easier than my masters and my undergrad.

First of all, just a disclaimer, I’m not in any way saying a PhD is easy or diminishing the trials of PhD life BUT…

…for me, my PhD in many ways feels ‘easier’ than my undergrad and my masters and actually lots of the “real world” jobs that I’ve had. This is of course different for everyone. I think some of that comes down to the fact that I’m just generally happier now but there’s a tonne of other stuff that contributes to that too. When I did my undergrad I’d been out of education for about a decade and I hadn’t done any A-levels (or highers) so I had to learn how to learn again, plus I joined the university dance team, and I worked in a lab as an unpaid research assistant. So, I just generally had a lot going on! But, also, I had to turn up to a lot of stuff I wasn’t super interested in or I just didn’t understand and the topics change ALL the time. I floundered a bit. Plus you have to write assignments and do exams on all of those things and I remember it feeling a bit relentless.

During my masters I was still recovering from my first and worst bout of M.E. (which I contracted/developed in the final year of my undergrad), so I was pretty scared and lonely and Biomedical Science was quite a change of direction from Zoology and Microbiology. As with the undergrad, the topics changed a lot and quickly. It was great for giving tasters that taught me what I liked and what I didn’t but it was tough going. I felt like I never got good at anything, like I was just scratching the surface, and if I didn’t ‘get’ something I didn’t have time to figure it out before the module was over.

I felt ready to focus on one topic and explore that as fully as I could. I also felt ready not to have to hand in assignments or do exams! And a PhD gives me both of those things and a bit like an undergrad or masters (but unlike a job) I more or less run my own schedule.

So although I’ve had a little cry in quiet stairwells (I’m an emotional bean), I’ve ranted down the phone to my mum and I’ve felt utterly bewildered about what I’m supposed to be doing… I’d still say that doing a PhD is one of the best things I’ve done and yes, in many ways easier.

Aberdeen is fab, but quite far away.

I made some pretty bold statements about visiting people after I moved to Aberdeen and none of it has come to fruition! A lot of my friends are spread out; across West Wales, the Welsh Borders and London. I said I’d go and visit and I really did mean it, but I didn’t quite acknowledge just how far away Aberdeen is and how difficult and costly it would be to go South… especially to West Wales.

Although Aberdeen is a bit of a marmite city, as in people seem to love or hate it, I’m a lover and I think it’s totally worth the relative ‘remoteness’! To me it is the goldilocks zone, not too big or too small, it has everything I need, it’s friendly but not everyone knows your business, it’s easy to get into the countryside, it has history, it has lots of craft ale (although it could do with a decent wine bar!), it’s not too busy etc… etc… which makes up for the fact that seeing Southern dwelling friends or relatives is going to be infrequent or expensive or both!

New Slains, Castle Fraser, Aberdeen NuArt and Seaton park. 🙂

It’s hard to feel enough for academia.

I think one of the hardest things for me so far is struggling to learn what ‘enough’ is. It’s hard sometimes to keep the blinkers on my own project and focus on what I’m doing and how hard I’m working. People will always work early or late or on the weekend but it doesn’t mean that I have to. Everybody works differently.

I feel like I could also work all the hours, stress myself out, go above and beyond and yet someone will always ask why I didn’t attend a particular event, haven’t read something yet, haven’t finished writing a paper or haven’t replied…and I can bust a gut and be super proud of something and someone will tell me that what I’ve just accomplished was easy or unimportant or ask what I’m doing next or why I didn’t do it another way. Like, I said, it’s my biggest struggle and although I’m pretty good at saying no to things and limiting my work hours to 9-5 (ish) I feel like I’m constantly justifying how much work I’ve done and I always feel like I should be more, that who I am and what I’m doing is not enough.

This year I made a resolution of sorts that I’d celebrate my achievements regardless of whether other people thought they were achievements or not and to try and become a bit tougher!

So there it is, 10 things, in no particular order that I have realised in the first year of my PhD.