Negative Vibes Welcome

I have a complicated relationship with inspirational quotes and I’ve seen a few recently that have caused me a deep sigh! Permit me a few minutes of your time to explain, using four inspirational messages, why I embrace negative vibes!

(Disclaimer: Take anything I’ve written with a pinch of salt. I have literally zero mental health credentials so this is entirely an opinion piece!)

Positive Vibes Only

For me, ‘positive vibes only’ is the biggest offender! It is, for me, the greatest representation of toxic positivity that I can think of. Toxic positivity describes any inspirational quote or message that has the capacity to be false, dismissive, alienating or undermining. Quotes like this can create feelings of guilt and shame because quite simply they’re disconnected from the reality of experiencing life as a complex human being. You cannot possibly be positive ALL the time and if your social group is only available for ‘good vibes’ then maybe you need to ask yourself if they’re good friends or just fair-weather friends. Good friends are often there to support or hold space for you when you’re experiencing ‘negative vibes only’!

When I was a teenager, I (in short) suffered with depression. I was in a whole self-destructive spiral that meant I often lashed out at the people closest to me and I effectively cut my best friend Hannah out of my life. There was no way that Hannah could get close enough to me at that time to support me, but she waited in the wings until I started to recover. She’s still one of my closest friends and we’ve now known each other for about 20 years. I will forever be grateful that she didn’t just abandon me because of my negative vibes (and trust me, they were NEGATIVE)! Now, I’m not saying you need to go through something so drastic to figure out who your friends are, and I’m also not saying that you shouldn’t have boundaries within your friendships. Finding that balance between giving space to negative vibes, encouraging positivity or maybe taking a step back is a tricky one that you have to learn to navigate all by yourself!

Allowing yourself 5 minutes to be upset

This is exactly the Instagram advice that tipped me over the edge and led me to write this! This particular Instagram post stated that you should give yourself 5 minutes to feel your negative emotions if things in your life go wrong, but no more. Set yourself a timer, have a cry, then simply acknowledge that you can’t change the way things are and just stop feeling those feelings. Simple! Right?!

Of course, there are absolutely moments in your life where you can just shake something off and move on. There can be great peace in sometimes accepting that there are things that you cannot change. BUT, (and it’s a big but!) I also firmly believe that it can be incredibly important to feel whatever you need to feel and for however long you need to feel it for. Whatever you’re feeling is valid and you need to work through that. No one should be dictating to you how long you should feel it for…especially if that involves setting a literal timer!

A few years ago I developed a chronic illness and I did not give myself time to process that. Getting ME/CFS was a life changing event and to some extent forcing myself to think positively was a protective measure. But, I bottled up so many feelings. I was often called brave and folk would tell me how well I was handling everything, and don’t get me wrong, it is nice to hear (and of course, it is well meant). But, I think it also made me feel like I had to keep presenting a positive front and it stopped me being honest about how I really felt (even to myself). To cut a long story short about 4 years after I was diagnosed I was sat in therapy realising how much I needed to grieve because of what had happened. Maybe I’m being facetious because I’m sure that this advice wasn’t necessarily intended to help you brush off the big things in life, but I think it’s easy when you’re at your most vulnerable to be gaslit by these seemingly innocuous pieces of advice.

Positive thoughts create positive results

I’m going to keep this short but essentially, this one is important to me because I think it can be weaponised. When I developed ME/CFS I was suddenly introduced to this faction of people who would essentially say that I was sick because I was thinking too negatively. Basically, I would get better if I thought more positively. I cannot express just how damaging this is. It places the blame on the person who is suffering and of course it’s not just a phrase reserved for those who are ill. Positive thinking can be an awesome tool, but it cannot cure you or solve all your problems.

You only fail if you quit

Quitting does not necessarily mean that you have failed. Sometimes quitting is the hardest and bravest thing that you can do. When I quit the merchant navy I felt like such a failure. That crushing feeling of defeat contributed to a breakdown that saw me literally run away to the other side of the world to hide in the desert and then later, on a small pacific island (which is perhaps a story for another day). I was terrified, full of doubt and totally confused for about 6 months afterwards, but ultimately quitting was one of the best decisions I ever made. Sometimes quitting is the right choice and sometimes quitting is the wrong choice, that’s for you to decide! Either way you are not necessarily a failure.

Now, ‘positive thoughts create positive results’ and ‘you can only fail if you quit’ are the kind of Pinterest style inspirational quotes that might really serve a purpose at particular times in your life. They might really speak to you and help to move you forward, and that’s okay. In fact, that’s more than okay, that’s great! You might think that that’s a little at odds with everything I’ve just written but what I’m trying to get across is just to approach these sayings and quotes with caution. How do they make you feel and how do they serve you? Please don’t ever feel trapped by them.